been quite awhile.. I suppose it's time for an update.
There's been a lot going on I suppose but at the same time I feel stagnant and unbearably so. I'm not sure if it's my overbearing restlessness or the fact that I feel like I could do so much more...
I'm recently single. Come, on.. we all knew it was coming. The reason I let it go on for so long is i suppose just the doubts one has about ending anything in their lives, whether it's a relationship or something they love dearly. It's hard to say goodbye to your best friend and someone you truly care about, love and would do anything for. Things were changing with me... not necessarily growing, but definitely changing and I felt it was something I needed to figure out on my own and figure out this vortex of emotion in me.
I've thought about seeing a therapist for some depression issues, but i think I just fixed a major part of it, hopefully. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed... wishing i was somewhere else all of the time. I knew in the pit of me what I had to do but again, i would be repeating myself to say why I stayed so long.
So what now? A wonderful question. I think that is the beauty in being alone. You don't have to worry about your decisions affecting anyone and worrying if they're going to accept it...accept you.
All i know is that I need to get out of this place... Tallahassee is just a black hole. It's time to leave. I have no idea where to go yet, but change is inevitable and I wish it could be sooner rather than later, but unfortunately, money is the decision maker in this situation.
I've thought about waiting on my school in London to start their program again.. Unfortunately it's not a sure thing and the program may never reopen.
I have a job opportunity in LA and I think thats might be where I end up, but I will be here until I save up enough money to go.
For the time being, amanda and I will be living together. She's in the same boat I am... drowning here in Tallahassee waiting for the opportunity to abandon ship. I'll be looking for a second job to stay afloat, so if anyone has any ideas for a part time job, please let me know.
Stay tuned for a Halloween party.
I'm sorry for not being a better friend. I feel this weight on me, burdening me, but all I can say is I'm sorry and there's no excuse. I hope to renew some friendships and strengthen some of the ties that have slackened. I hold SO much love for all of you. You have all been in my life for the greater part of a decade, if not longer and I hope I can salvage some of the friendships that I have let go of.
But you are always in my mind.. urging me to be the best I can, and loving me for me. Thank you for that and all you have done for me.
You've never fallen by the wayside in my heart or mind. I wish my actions could say the same.
" I wonder if you'd miss me when I'm gone
It's come to this release me.
I'll leave before the dawn.
But for tonight I'll lay here with you
Yes for tonight, I'll stay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes through your window
There'll be nothing you can do.
I should have treated you better, better than this
I'm gone, this song is your letter. Can't stay in one place."