I've learned that no matter how impatient I may think I am, I am a mere grasshoppah compared to my child.
Me: "eh.. I think I'm thirsty, I might get me something to drink... but oh wait, I have to throw a load of wash in the washing machine"
Flynn, do you want some milk?
Flynn: eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! eh! eh! eh! eh!
Me: Ok! I'll be right back with your milk!
*meltdown ensues, tears, drooling, the WORKS!*
Here's your milk baby! Mama's sorry!
Beginning to see the lesson here? Prepare the freaking bottle BEFORE you ask him if he's ready for milk! duh!
- Current Mood: complacent
been quite awhile.. I suppose it's time for an update.
There's been a lot going on I suppose but at the same time I feel stagnant and unbearably so. I'm not sure if it's my overbearing restlessness or the fact that I feel like I could do so much more...
I'm recently single. Come, on.. we all knew it was coming. The reason I let it go on for so long is i suppose just the doubts one has about ending anything in their lives, whether it's a relationship or something they love dearly. It's hard to say goodbye to your best friend and someone you truly care about, love and would do anything for. Things were changing with me... not necessarily growing, but definitely changing and I felt it was something I needed to figure out on my own and figure out this vortex of emotion in me.
I've thought about seeing a therapist for some depression issues, but i think I just fixed a major part of it, hopefully. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed... wishing i was somewhere else all of the time. I knew in the pit of me what I had to do but again, i would be repeating myself to say why I stayed so long.
So what now? A wonderful question. I think that is the beauty in being alone. You don't have to worry about your decisions affecting anyone and worrying if they're going to accept it...accept you.
All i know is that I need to get out of this place... Tallahassee is just a black hole. It's time to leave. I have no idea where to go yet, but change is inevitable and I wish it could be sooner rather than later, but unfortunately, money is the decision maker in this situation.
I've thought about waiting on my school in London to start their program again.. Unfortunately it's not a sure thing and the program may never reopen.
I have a job opportunity in LA and I think thats might be where I end up, but I will be here until I save up enough money to go.
For the time being, amanda and I will be living together. She's in the same boat I am... drowning here in Tallahassee waiting for the opportunity to abandon ship. I'll be looking for a second job to stay afloat, so if anyone has any ideas for a part time job, please let me know.
Stay tuned for a Halloween party.
I'm sorry for not being a better friend. I feel this weight on me, burdening me, but all I can say is I'm sorry and there's no excuse. I hope to renew some friendships and strengthen some of the ties that have slackened. I hold SO much love for all of you. You have all been in my life for the greater part of a decade, if not longer and I hope I can salvage some of the friendships that I have let go of.
But you are always in my mind.. urging me to be the best I can, and loving me for me. Thank you for that and all you have done for me.
You've never fallen by the wayside in my heart or mind. I wish my actions could say the same.
" I wonder if you'd miss me when I'm gone
It's come to this release me.
I'll leave before the dawn.
But for tonight I'll lay here with you
Yes for tonight, I'll stay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes through your window
There'll be nothing you can do.
I should have treated you better, better than this
I'm gone, this song is your letter. Can't stay in one place."
I've graduated college... finally. It has taken me almost 8 years but I did it. :) It has been a personal accomplishment to come back to school and graduate without any help from my parents.
It has been very interesting working on campus without actually attending school here anymore. Now whenever I walk around campus, I walk as if I'm taking in my surroundings with a new perspective. I've never actually stopped to take in the beauty of the campus before because I always had somewhere I was rushing to get to.
I hope to leave the country to get my master's degree. I really had my heart and soul set on London, but the program I applied for isn't running this year. I'm a bit crushed that I might not be leaving as soon as I thought I'd be. Now, our lease is up at the end of this month and we have no idea what we're going to do from here on out. We have to be out regardless, but I don't want to sign another year lease for the possibility of getting accepted somewhere else and being tied and bound to another year here.
You know the feeling you get when you want something SO bad that for months you can't think about ANYTHING else? (literally, nothing).
That's the way I feel about London. I got the news yesterday and so now I'm stuck going "now what?" I'm still looking for jobs over there as well as au pair opportunities. We'll see what comes of it.
I also got another round of bad news yesterday. For awhile, I have been having some bad stomach pains so I went to the doctor and they did an abdominal and pelvic ultrasound. Turns out I have gallstones, as well as a lesion on my kidney and an ovarian cyst.
I'm to go tomorrow to get a CTscan to see how bad my lesion and gallstones are to see if there's a possibility of ruling out surgery.
I'm a bit bummed about it because it was a shock to me.
What to do...
- Current Mood: sad
I definitely will have to focus this semester, especially since two of my classes don't have exams at all... but are heavily dependent on projects and papers. I don't mind much, since I'm not a wonderful test taker, but the amount of time it takes to get one of these projects done is substantial.
On the plus side, I'm excited about my agency work at Vision Quest for Boys, which is in Woodville. It's pretty much a foster home for boys ages 12-17 who have criminal backgrounds and are referred by DCF and come to VQ as a "last resort".
I feel really bad for a lot of them. I can't even imagine the backgrounds they come from. It makes mine seem pretty damn good.
I wanted to take one of them home the other day. He's an amazing kid who's gay, and is definitely not ashamed of it. I love his bright blue bandana and purple leggings and his bubbly attitude. He rooms by himself because no one else wants to room with him. :(
It's kind of disheartening because once they're 18, DCF pretty much kicks them out on the street. They have little (if any) social skills and many of these kids dont even know how to fill out a job application or look for apartments.
I think for my project I'm going to round up all the 16-17 year olds and teach them budgeting, how to balance a check book and show them how to search for jobs. I'm also going to get a recruiter from the Army and Airforce to come and talk to them about joining if it's something that they've showed interest in. At least joining the army is better than being on the street. :\
I've lost 20 pounds. Very happy about that. I was looking at pre-thanksgiving pictures and got really pissed off and decided to do something about it. I couldn't figure out why i wasn't losing any weight when I was working out almost every day.
I went to see a doctor in december and they put me on a very strict routine. It was very hard at first, but once I got over the (CARB) cravings I was great. I get a sweet tooth every now and then, but it's nothing a hershey kiss won't take care of. :)
Kinda thinking about life post-graduation. i have a plan in mind, but Im not sure if I'm ready to share it publicly or not. Its way out of left field and I'm definitely doing my research before diving in. Also money. Money would be good for planning.
I feel a big change coming. Huge.
Leverage says you....
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:Randy playing WoW
OH and the other thing... apparently you can suck out vampire venom after you're bitten by one.... huh...
In other news, randy and I saw Bolt last night. I was thoroughly amused by it and Randy must have liked it because he was laughing his ass off a couple times, which is pretty rare. Usually he just sits there and stares amusingly at me while Im laughing my ass off like an effing retard to something that apparently just isn't that funny to him.
On the way to the theatre, I noticed that they had an advertisement for InkHeart which is an awesome book in my opinion. I'm excited to see that Brendan Frasier is in it. It seems that the movie industry is now off the comic book craze and onto children's lit, which doesn't bother me because some of my favorite books are Childrens Lit. I like reading them to try to break the repetitiveness of being an adult. Plus, kids are just more fun.
i'm kinda worried about my job right now simply because of the recent budget cuts around the state. DCF just gave their employees the option of a 10% paycut or a 2 week unpaid vacation. I know that I would have job if I stayed with the service center, but my (lack of) health just wasn't worth it, so i switched. Now, they cant justify what i do that anyone else couldn't do, so i'm sure I'd be one of the first they let go if it did indeed come to my department.
I guess all I have to do is wait. meh.
At least the semester is over. :)
also... the frighteners = teh awesome.
Love you Shawn. I'll miss you.
( Year RecapCollapse )
It seems that one by one everyone is leaving Tallahassee... It seems only a matter of time before I pack my bags and go away as well.
Hopefully we'll all keep in touch because the people here have made the most impression on me and in my heart. I never like goodbyes, but memories only last you so long.
It seems with every year that passes a little piece of being a kid slowly disintegrates and transforms into something....else. Experience? Maybe. But i feel that with each little piece something replaces it with something that I dont want there..... and I just want to hold onto it for as long as I can.
In other news... I'm being tested for diabetes and thyroid on Monday. My doctor is hooking me up with B12 injections, so hopefully that will help. He's also putting me on a 700 calorie a day diet with nothing but meat for the first 3 days..
I think I'll go eat Randy's face...
- Current Mood: hungry
It's been a very interesting ride these past couple of months. It was definitely a period of self reflection, self realization and a lot of depression, but I've pulled myself through it and now I'm peachy. I never thought there would be a time in my life where I would question my sanity...however, I guess everyone has to question sometime.
I'm now back at FSU! I'm taking summer classes and am loving it. It feels so good to have my motivation back, to mingle amongst the students and not feel out of place.
I'm no longer working at Florida High. I quit back in April for a job offer at FSU working with the facilities department in Mendenhall A.
I"ve only been there for a short time and this week they've promoted me to supervisor. This means no more OPS, but paid vacations, salary, 6 free hours of classes and of course health benefits. I am very excited. I have an amazing team, and amazing teachers. I can honestly say that I love waking up in the morning to go to work because the people are just that awesome.
I've found a 1 bedroom apartment that I absolutely love and will be able to afford. Thank goodness. I'll most likely be living in The Plaza apartments (where Cody lived, behind Jimmy Johns) I can't wait to live by myself. It might be a bit lonely at times, but will force be to be social. *grins*
that is all for now.
oh.. one more thing..
My horoscope today was " A long-term goal that you have been working toward could finally be reached, bringing good fortune and open acknowledgment to you. Probably your efforts will be so highly appreciated that you could be asked to continue upward and onward. In other words, major advancement could well be in the works."
I TOTALLY GOT BACK INTO FSU. I get to start back in the summer! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Giant leap for Karley!
- Current Mood: ecstatic
I don't feel the need to explain anything to you... if you were any sort of friend, you'd know what I'm doing. But to enlighten those who feel damaged or feel like everything is about them, then here:
Don't assume anything about me. Don't think that you've figured me out just because some thoughts draw a conclusion in your mind about me. Not everything is about you. Stop.being.selfish.
First, If you have something to say about me or if you're upset with me, then fucking tell me about it. I get royally pissed off at passiveness which has been in my life far too much as of late. Prime example would be my living situation, which is maybe why you might drive by and see the absence of Karley's car. Again, I don't care what you think, however, if you remotely cared anything, you would ask me and not assume anything, and you would ask me for my side of the story.
Secondly, I am not a liar. If you ask me something, i will tell you the truth. That goes for "hey Karley, why are you staying away? Is it me?" or "Hey Karley, what's wrong?"
Again, don't assume that the reason I'm staying away is because of YOU. It's not all about you. I have my own shit to deal with that doesn't revolve around you.
Finally, I keep my distance because I'm trying to sort shit out. This includes, but is not limited to past relationships, depression, work, stress and just the need to get afuckingway. The way I deal with things is to put myself in a reclusive box, and frankly, I'm not ready to be jumping for joy quite yet after Roy. Just because some people can turn off their feelings, does not mean that I can... just because someone doesn't love you anymore doesn't mean that I lack the feelings.
This does not want to make me come around any more. I'm tired of the high school bull shit. If you want to talk to me, then talk to me, but I will not be drawn as "the bitch who ruined your life"